Review by Derrick Carter
Running Time: 1 hour 42 minutes
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Directed by: Tom Six
Written by: Tom Six
Starring: Dieter Laser, Laurence R. Harvey, Tom Six, Eric Roberts, Bree Olsen & Clayton Rohner
It may seem inappropriate to review HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 right after covering TOMORROWLAND, but they both came out this weekend…so that’s my excuse. I’m actually a fan of the first HUMAN CENTIPEDE. It’s a wacky, insane piece of body-horror that was a disturbingly original idea at the time of its release. Tom Six decided that once was not enough and returned a year later with THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE, which came off as a quasi-artsy shocksploitation flick going way over the edge into wholly tasteless, trashy territory. That sequel has garnered a select group of fans, but I’m not among them. I decided that I might as well complete the trilogy by watching FINAL SEQUENCE this weekend and giving my thoughts on it. There’s a good chance that most of the people planning on watching this third ass-to-mouth installment have already made up their minds to do so, be it out of dedication to Tom Six or sheer morbid curiosity. However, HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 is a complete and total waste of time. It’s not shocking or disturbing, but winds up being extremely boring instead.
The first CENTIPEDE sported the tagline of “100% medically accurate.” The second used “100% medically inaccurate.” Now, this third (and final) chapter uses “100% politically inaccurate” which might as well translate out to Tom Six now fancies himself as a comedian and is trying really, really hard to get a reaction out of you. The plot focuses on Bill Boss, the sadistic warden of George H.W. Bush prison. Boss is constantly disrespected by his inmates and decides that torture would be a great incentive for them to behave. His assistant, Dwight Butler, urges him to follow the concept from the first two HUMAN CENTIPEDE films instead (taking an ultra-meta approach). The whole film consists of Dwight trying to convince Boss to listen to his idea, Boss committing vile acts towards everyone around him, and a human centipede that pops up for the final twenty minutes of running time. That’s basically the flimsy excuse for a plot and the whole film in a nutshell.
At the very least, you can say that the first two HUMAN CENTIPEDE movies looked good visually. That’s definitely not the case here, because FINAL SEQUENCE sports the same production values as a low-rent porn. About half of the film takes place in Boss’s office and all I could think was that it looked like a cheap porn set, which was only enhanced by having a porn actress star as his secretary. Dieter Laser (villain from the first movie) and Lawrence Harvey (villain from the second movie) reunite as Boss and Butler. Laser’s acting ability mostly consists of him screaming horrible spouts of forced profanity at everyone around him (including an overuse of the N-word). Harvey seems to try to be a straight-man to Laser’s crazy guy, but isn’t given much to do. In a self-indulgent twist, Tom Six shows up for two brief cameo appearances as himself, all while Eric Roberts wonders what the hell he did to deserve winding up in a shitty movie like this.
The main reasons that horror fans and gorehounds will watch HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 is for…well, the actual human centipede and depravity. It should be noted that the centipede itself doesn’t make an appearance until well after the halfway mark and Six supplies all sorts of disgusting material up to that point. If you don’t want to know the list of atrocities that happen besides the obvious 500-person centipede, then skip to the final paragraph, because I’m about to list them in order to save a few potential viewers the time and money that could be geared towards better, more-deserving indie horror films. So the SPOILERS (if you can even call them that) are as follows. Dieter Laser fingers his secretary and receives head from her. A prisoner is water-boarded with boiling water and another is graphically castrated (we see it in detail). As if cutting off someone’s testicles wasn’t enough, Tom Six has Dieter Laser rub the blood on his face and then eat the man’s boiled balls. A jar of fried clitorises is eaten throughout the film as a running “joke.” An inmate stabs a man in the kidney and proceeds to rape the wound. Then there’s the centipede itself, which provides the expected nasty imagery and sound effects.
HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 is a total waste of time. I knew that this wasn’t going to be great or even good going into it, but I felt the need to complete the trilogy…as it were. Tom Six desperately tries for shocks and laughs, but fails in both areas, which results in a movie that’s downright tedious and horrendous on all fronts. The HUMAN CENTIPEDE series could be considered to be FACES OF DEATH of the new generation. These are dare movies that you watch if only to say that you’ve sat through them. Nobody expected HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 to be decent or entertaining and it’s not…at all. This is down there with the worst movies that I’ve ever seen and is definitely the worst film of 2015 thus far (congrats, MORTDECAI, you’re off the hook). If you’re going into this, know that the centipede doesn’t make an appearance for 85 minutes. If you skip it, you’ll save yourself valuable time and money. Avoid this and just stick to the first movie…as it’s the only one that’s entertaining in the slightest.